Budweiser manufactures little cans of variously flavored margaritas.  I found two on my lawn Sunday morning, the night and day after the annual "pub crawl" aimed at college students.  I can't picture a college boy buying and drinking such a beverage, moreover, the pull tab on one of the cans was just slightly open.  When I shook it nothing came out.  The presumed girl barely cracked the damned thing, drank three-fourths and chucked it, unaware of becoming a character in this story.  I pulled up the tab and shook red fluid resembling cherry Kool Aid onto the grass.  Pale pink smoke rose in a thin cloud.  The wounded lawn asked me, "Why?  Why?"
     I couldn't explain drunken dumb fuck behavior to a stretch of grass so I went to the garage, lifted the recycling bin's lid, and dropped in Budweiser's spent artillery shells. 
     Afterward, I thought, I shouldn't have polluted the grass with that stuff.  What is it? 
     I told my coworker Dave about it and he said whoever drinks that kind of product is pretty far removed from knowing what natural beverages are. 
     Energy drinks, e-cigarettes, the sweet crust of Papa John's pizza, constitute a doomsday weapon aimed at youth.  What are the consequences, ten, twenty, thirty years from now, of today's children, adolescents, and college students abusing their hearts, digestive systems, their fertility, with profitable poison?  In spite of the sign, DRUG FREE SCHOOL ZONE, no school is drug free if Pepsi or Red Bull is available or at least tolerated on the premises. 
     I feel like a Puritan, almost, and I am hypocritical, in that I enjoy, on occasion, Peanut Butter Crunch and I'm addicted to iced tea.  When I buy Peanut Butter Crunch I always have a moment in the checkout lane when I think, What the fuck am I doing? 
     In the checkout line to the right there are candy bars.  To the left, the cerebral candy of "Jennifer Aniston Has Never Been Happier," and "Khloe Kardashian Scorns AA."
     Poison, chocolate, crap culture.  The truth is, I'm not against tabloid news, nor am I opposed to candy, alcohol, or cigarettes in whatever form.  What do I do with these things?  What do others do with them?  It's individual behavior, my own included, that affects my experiences, good and bad.  Seventeen hours of college students dribbling by in duos, trios, small and large packs, participating in a city-accepted drunk fest, the pub crawl, hearing the boys' whooping voices, the girls' shrill babble,
unable to get rest or fall asleep until the event dies from its own brain-blitzed momentum, is, for me, a bad experience caused by how these celebrants use the products they ingest. 
     Some Budweiser executive in the last few years had a conversation, or talked to a group at a high-level meeting about loading a mass-produced attempt at margaritas into little cans and marketing them to young women.  The smallness of the can conveys the idea, HAVE ANOTHER.  Why not?  It's just a little bit of alcohol.  It's like drinking Kool Aid.  It's classy, though.  It's a margarita.
     To you, young woman, who treated my lawn like a vacant lot: may you break out of the purpose set for you by sorcerers of consumer research.

                                                                            Vic Neptune