"My fellow New Yorkers, and, indeed, my fellow Americans. The time has come for me to say goodbye. I've walked backwards into a scandal. It seems I touched women without their consent.
"It goes with the job. As a male with lots of money, a legacy of power and control over others, over budgets, deciding what to cut and what not to cut, I have, according to the law, overstepped my bounds. My hands can't keep away from women's bodies.
"I've been told by my lawyer that it's not a good thing to touch a woman without her consent. I always regarded this as friendly play. What woman wouldn't want to play in my sandbox? I reasoned.
"It's hard for a man of my generation to adapt to new mores. Who knows? In forty years it might be inappropriate to not grope. We don't know. What's right and proper one decade is no longer a thing in another. It was okay for the British Empire to run concentration camps in South Africa, but forty years later it wasn't okay for the Third Reich to do that. Who can keep up?
"I have not run my administration like a concentration camp, I assure you. I condemn all practices depriving free peoples of their rights, including the right to be left alone. This great country that provided this Governor with the opportunity to serve the great state of New York will always represent a beacon of liberty and hope, of the pursuit of happiness. Here in America you can be anything; a plumber, a carpet salesman, a grocery store clerk, a NASA scientist, a women's rights advocate, a mail order Halloween costume distributor, a chef, a policeman or policewoman.
"I now know it would be inappropriate to grope that hypothetical policewoman. Lesson learned.
"The alleged severity of my behavior, wherein I must resign because eleven women have credibly accused me of sexual harassment, a term I thought I understood the definition of but was incorrect, was unknown to me while I harassed. I touch a butt, she leaves my office, she seems fine, I'm happy, I like women's butts, what breach of trust could come from this innocent play?
"I've learned, though, to view this scandal and my behavior through the eyes of my three daughters, all of them in their twenties, a decade of a woman's age I particularly enjoy. Believe you me, had one or all of my daughters worked for me in my administration I would not have groped them. To even suggest such a thing reveals more about the one suggesting that than it does about myself.
"I cannot stress enough that I had no idea it's wrong to touch a woman without her consent. Why didn't anyone inform me of this? I don't know. They say with great power comes great responsibility. With great power, too, comes the assumption, I know this first hand, that one can do whatever one wants if one is powerful enough.
"I killed 15,000 elderly people when I ordered Covid-19 cases into nursing homes. I refused nearly seven billion in Medicaid in the middle of a pandemic. I'm a killer. A sociopathic, egotistical, arrogant, selfish f-word, and what did Attorney General James of the great state of New York get me on? Sexual harassment. I'll take that judgment. The jail time, if any, will be less than it would be for killing 15,000 people.
"President Clinton was impeached, if you recall, for lying about acts of consensual sex between an intern and himself. Had he groped her, would he have had to resign? It's difficult to be a powerful man. The pressures. The decisions. The wondering about whether or not to make sadistic budget cuts in health care on behalf of wealthy donors. Killing all those old people was easy, like driving a truck over a baby. What would not be easy would be saying no to the likes of Democratic Party donors and wealthy supporters. We all have bosses, except for the Big Boss, I mean God.
"God has guided me throughout this ordeal. My faith, my well-thumbed copy of the Bible, my belief in Providence, have shown me that all is not for naught. A phoenix rises from its ashes. Jesus came back from the dead. I still have my Emmy Award. It sits on my desk. I admire its beauty. It does not object when I finger its metal behind.
"I want to thank all of the so-called 'Cuomosexuals' in Hollywood. Ellen Degeneres, Chelsea Handler, and so many others who piled on the praise during my FDR-like Covid briefings. Bob De Niro and Spike Lee, among others, made a wonderful tribute video to thank me. The Hollywood elite, at least, prove by example that rich people are not all selfish a-holes with an inability to recognize an evil person when they see one.
"Finally, I want to thank the American flag. Throughout this embarrassing brouhaha I have found comfort gazing at the Stars and Stripes. The colors reflect my moods of late. I've felt blue, downbeat, depressed, tired, strained, worn out from trying to think up eloquent excuses for my behavior with women. I've wanted to wrap the flag around my neck to hang myself.
"Red symbolizes the strong circulatory system of the vigorous Italian-American man, and the red sauce I flung with a big spoon at my little brother Chris, one time giving him second degree burns.
"The white of the flag represents the purity of my belief that everything I did with those accusing women was not meant to cause harm or create discomfort. I did not know that asking an administration aide to play strip poker was the wrong request to make. I sometimes gamble when I open my mouth.
Nothing holds back my will. Power surges through me. I make phone calls, people die.
"I'm a touchy-feely person. I see a cat I want to pet it. I see a dog I want to pat its head. I see a woman I want to put my hands on her body, kiss her on the mouth, see her naked, bend her over my desk if she doesn't have any place to be in the next twenty minutes.
"I reiterate what I've said about my accusers, all of them female: If they were offended by my touching and kissing, then it was wrong. Was it wrong? I don't know, you tell me. Again, the shifting of mores. It used to be legal to own slaves. What happened to that?
"In conclusion: everything I've done these past ten years as Governor of the great state of New York has been a banner I show with pride--yes, including the nursing home deaths and unconscionable Medicaid cuts in the middle of a pandemic I exploited to show up the incompetence of President Trump, my fellow accused sexual harasser.
"If you've suffered because of my actions, with the pandemic, with the sexual harassment, I'm sorry you feel that way.
"Overall, it's been a good run. This Decade of Andrew will end shortly, but it's not the end of me. Once I'm in the White House I will kill even more people. My sexual harassment will continue but I'll prey exclusively on the weak, not on women who might go to lawyers someday and complain about their ill treatment by a great Emmy Award-winning man who's the son of a great man, and brother of a CNN host.
"May God bless America, may the Jets get back to the Super Bowl, and may all the women I sexually harassed get a sense of humor. May they learn to have innocent fun. My sandbox is a fun sandbox. If I attempt to wrestle with my female playmate who happens to be my employee just remember: my sandbox, my rules.
"Thank you, and God bless some of you."
Vic Neptune
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