Vice President Parris's office, noon, she's finishing a phone call with the U.S. Ambassador to Poland. She can't understand his accent. Cajun.
In the biggest chair sits Cassandra Blade and her husband Billy Boy, former president of the United States, the one whose embargoes of Iraq killed half a million children. He beams his charm at Parris. He finds her fine. The luscious luxurious hair, the age, just right for my current mood. How? Ditch Cassie, that's a must, and swing back here, make small talk, get a little more personal, casually sit on the edge of her desk, compliment her hairdresser and smile like Jimmy Carter.
Former President Blade's current mood for a middle-aged woman stems directly from the woman sitting before him, Dinah Parris. Whichever female is before his eyes, Billy Boy Blade is interested. Estimates that Blade had sex with 18,000 women by 2020 (multiple volumes of black books allegedly confirm this, at least as so far as we can believe the mind behind the hand that wrote the black books in black ballpoint. One allegedly can see the use of different pens over time. He starts his quest to fuck every day age thirteen, continues tirelessly, having to hitch rides to different counties to find different women to spend time with. As president he flies to other countries to sample their--his favorite word, unfortunately--"fleshpots." His trips with Terry Stein to Stein's little Caribbean island and entrapment center were just another day at the office.
You ask me, I think the black books exist, but then, I'm an intuitive thinker, Jung-wise.
Vice President Parris is saying something.
Parris: I need to resurrect my career.
Cassandra Blade: We're behind you one hundred percent!
Billy Boy Blade stifles a laugh: (behind her!) We're going to make you the president but first you're going to practice at giving good speeches, I have some experience in that (laughs).
Cassandra Blade: That last one was awful, Dinah. You must do better. Public perception matters--
Parris: Though the public does not.
Cassandra Blade: Exactly.
Billy Boy Blade: You know the concepts. Don't help the people even in the middle of a pandemic. Lie to them.
Cassandra Blade: Keep them used to having low expectations.
Billy Boy Blade: The economy is strong.
Cassandra Blade: We have the greatest military history has ever witnessed. Say it!
Parris: We have the greatest military Earth has ever witnessed.
Cassandra Blade: History has ever witnessed, not Earth!
Billy Boy Blade: We control the narrative, we control history so history don't control us.
Cassandra Blade: Never forget, Dinah, there is one thing you tell the public and another thing you tell your backers.
Parris: Those behind me.
Billy Boy Blade: (snickers) I'm swinging back here in a short while. I'll give you a lesson in speechifying. You'll benefit from my experience.
Parris: Thank you, Mr. President! Well, Cassie, your husband is the top.
Billy Boy Blade: (sotto voce) Missionary's fine.
Cassandra Blade (cackling): Don't pour it on too much, Dinah! Billy Boy's a sponge for compliments.
Billy Boy Blade: She exaggerates, Dinah.
Parris: Well this day has turned into a fun one! I get too few of those!
Cassandra Blade: The job of high office, even your subordinate position, doesn't feature a lot of fun, at least in the sense of playing a card game with your grandchild.
Parris: I know it's work, not play. Some days are better than others. President Lieden doesn't like me. Reports leaked saying our weekly lunches are characterized by coldness between the top two politicians in the country.
Billy Boy Blade: My weekly lunches with V.P. Shelby Carnage were characterized by warmth and camaraderie. We discussed film, climate change and what not to do about it, race, Iraq and how many people we should kill before our eight years are up, and my indiscretion with the intern, Lucille Blinsky.
Cassandra Blade (groans): That name!
Parris: It penetrates deep, does it, Cassie?
Billy Boy Blade: Penetrates deep.
Cassandra Blade: It's still in there, like the fragment of the Nazgûl blade in Frodo's chest.
Parris: L.B., I'll spare you, Cassandra, now says she was unfairly treated by the news media, by the public, too. Called a slut. In 1981 a boy named Larry Butters called an African-American junior a slut. I was that slut. Not deserving to be called that. People judge you, in life, in the political world, in the media. They don't know me, those nagging journalists. Critics of their superiors. The three people sitting in this room have more collective brain power than NBC, CBS, and the BBC combined.
Billy Boy Blade: Two sitting here, not three.
Cassandra Blade: Pass on some juicy information to me, Dinah. What is going on with the Ukraine War?
Parris: I'm asked to leave the top secret meetings. Not even President Lieden is permitted to attend some of those meetings.
Cassandra Blade: That's going to change when I'm president. That's late night day one business!
Billy Boy Blade: What do you know about Ukraine, Dinah?
Dinah Parris: Not much. Secretary Sneffen sent me a DVD of Earth.
Billy Boy Blade: Dovzhenko.
Dinah Parris: I understand there are neo-Nazis fighting for us in Ukraine.
Cassandra Blade: Fierce anti-Communists.
Billy Boy Blade: These Nazis aren't fond of the Russians.
Cassandra Blade: Nor am I.
Silence. (Billy Boy and Cassandra Blade look expectantly at Dinah Parris.
Dinah Parris: I hate Russia!
Cassandra Blade: Feed the fire of that emotion. When you next campaign, unleash the fire in your belly stoked by hate! Russians prevent you from getting plastic surgery! Russians won't let you buy a gun because you're mentally ill! Russians poison our children with lead in their drinking water! Russians seduce our male politicians, extract secrets from them!
Billy Boy Blade (shifts in his chair, squeak of leather): Women can never understand the magnetic lure associated with man's greatest weakness: woman (smiles, eyes twinkling, at Dinah Parris).
Dinah Parris: I'll run on an anti-Russia platform. If something or someone promotes Russia, I'll be against it. I'll do my studying. I'll be an on the fly speaker, able to say the lines naturally.
Billy Boy Blade: You'll do the best job you can. If you fail to become president, you'll write a book, resurface two years later, promote the book, thousands of unsold copies will be bought mysteriously, pushing the unpopular volume to number twenty-seven on the NYT bestseller list, a list I've had a few books of my own on. It's a great honor. You can get a job as a pundit. I think CNN would be right for you, provided you lose the next election, Veep or Prez, depending on Moe's mental state, which isn't good.
Cassandra Blade: All that's beside the point. Dinah, you're going to be president on January 20, 2025. I'll be guiding you throughout your campaign, feeding you advice. You follow my advice and you'll succeed.
Billy Boy Blade: Worked in 2016.
President Lieden at the big desk, practicing his signature. General Bomb, Speaker Crook, and Secretary of Defense Holroyd sit on seats, waiting for the Commander-in-Chief to finish a sentence.
General Bomb (clears his throat): Mr. President? You were saying?
President Lieden: Try signing your name with sixteen pens. You use one to sign part of the M, well, that's for instance my name, Morris Lieden. That's what I write when I sign my name. I don't write checks anymore. Or drive. I asked to drive a tank. No go. I'm too old to drive, well I don't buy it. Some night I'm gonna sneak out, wear my disco clothes and flirt with the ladies at the Come On Club, I've heard good things about that place, any of you been there?
Holroyd: I participate in their Karaoke night every third Thursday of the month. Ben Affleck was there last time.
President Lieden: I'll get me some cash, hire someone to find me a car--my carjacking days are long over, people, Cornpop got me into that.
Speaker Crook: Mr. President, you were saying Ukraine's Nazi alleged problem is a matter of perspective.
President Lieden: Thanks for the reminder, Angie. Your hair looks great by the way. Look, this Ukraine War could get out of hand. We got a bronco, likes to rear up on his hind legs, neigh, foam at the mouth, that's the Nazis. Everybody with me?
All: Yes, Mr. President.
President Lieden: Who's going to climb up on that bronc? You have to accept the wildness of that bronc. That bronc is a fucking Nazi! A four-legged Nazi hoofed animal. Best to give that Nazi oats, that Nazi needs a feedbag. Nourish the Nazi. Stroke the Nazi. Apologize in advance for the Nazi's crimes.
Holroyd: Roosevelt would have if he hadn't been such a party pooper when it came to Hitler.
General Bomb: Infrastructure rebuilding projects galore if we pulverize Ukraine.
President Lieden: Hold on! Carpet bombing's fine with me, but I don't want to do that in this case. Why? (low husky voice) Nuclear war is a real possibility, (normal voice) have you thought of that, General?
Bomb: I think about it every moment.
Lieden: I'm sure you do and I'm glad you do. I needn't spend so much time thinking about serious things. By serious I mean war matters, economic matters, natural disaster matters, congressional sex scandal matters. The other serious is my love for hair.
Holroyd: Have you heard, Mr. President, about the Blade rumors concerning Dinah Parris?
Mr. Lieden: What mean you?
Holroyd: Billy Boy and Cassandra Blade seek to, according to rumor, displace you with Vice President
Harris as the 2024 Democratic nominee for president.
Crook: Some of your cabinet back this crackpot idea.
Lieden: Who's stabbing me in the back?
Crook: Sneffen.
Lieden: Sneffen? He's such a friendly guy.
Crook: Holroyd.
Holroyd: Hey!
Crook: It's a rumor, Ray.
Bomb: I heard that Dr. Biden is one of the ringleaders.
Lieden: Take that back!
Bomb: It's just what I've heard, sir.
Lieden: Who told you my sweet love muffin is plotting against me?
Bomb: She did.
Lieden: My Amanda?
Bomb: She said she would like to see you retire, for health reasons. Write a book, reemerge two years later, interviews, rehabilitated in the polls. You want to retire, sir.
Lieden: Is this a military coup?
Crook: We're just talking, Mr. President.
Lieden: Talking about the competency of my brain!
Holroyd: We could mount an operation to knock Vice President Parris out of bounds before she scores a touchdown.
Lieden: American football symbolizes freedom.
Crook: What do you have in mind, Roy?
Holroyd: Plant stories in the media, terrible stories, untrue, true, about the Vice President. She's so crappy at her job we don't have to make everything up. I'll call my man at NBC to get it started. I'll tell him that the Vice President asked recently in a cabinet meeting, "Will someone tell me where Ukraine is?"
Lieden: Add onto that if you will. She knocked over the Churchill bust and instead of apologizing she giggled. You should've heard the thump the Prime Minister made.
Crook: I suggest adding that everyone in the White House and in the Senate hates her laugh. We shared a steam yesterday. I must tell you that laugh got me out of the room as fast as I could move. What's creepy is that everything she laughs at isn't funny.
Bomb: Psychopath.
The next day. Corridor outside the Oval Office. Jennifer Psyop emerges from the outer office, having met with the president. She looks grim, she looks sick, she feels lousy, need Covid test. Door opens, Artie Sneffen catches up to her.
Sneffen: What do you think of that?
Psyop: He's getting bad advice from someone.
Sneffen: Good and bad. When I talk with him, one on one, he retains some of what I advise.
Psyop: Who told him to cool things down with Russia?
Sneffen: Ironically, it may have been one or two of the Joint Chiefs. They're divided, according to my source, over whether or not to do nuclear war with Russia. General Beak of Space Force is all for it. He insists the Death Ray will work, it'll take out eighty percent of their missile systems in the first sixty seconds. He's enthusiastic about future humanity in future space, on other worlds, oh, he loves Star Trek! He met Nichelle Nichols at a Star Trek convention. Yes, General Beak is a nerd at heart.
Psyop: Who else wants to risk nuclear war?
Sneffen: General Best of the Army. He has a literal hard-on for war. He came in his pants when we were talking about the six and a half billion in military aid we're sending now to Ukraine.
Psyop: We're embracing the Nazi angle? Or denying it.
Sneffen: If anyone in the press room presses you about Nazis in Ukraine, make it clear to him or her we have ways of changing their minds about certain things.
Psyop: The president needs to be straightened out. He has to heighten tension with Russia, he has to come to the edge of nuclear armageddon, we need to scare the shit out of the human race, nuclear terror, I'm just following orders, Mr. Secretary, you know that.
Sneffen: Excuse. Your crimes are your crimes, you'll deal with the consequences in whatever hell you end up in. I'm working on getting installed in a luxurious hell. An easy hell. A boring hell I'll seek to escape. Can one un-die?
Psyop: If you weren't above me in the echelons I'd call you a fucking weirdo.
Sneffen: I expect only obedience to the cause.
Psyop: Of the Ratfuck Bastards. When will I get to join?
Sneffen: We'll contact you, before the world ends.
Press Room. 10 minutes later, Psyop managed to not throw up.
Psyop: Good morning. I was just in a briefing with the President, Secretary Sneffen of State, Dr. Grauchi, everybody's favorite doctor, and Linda Binns, Secretary of Health and Human Services. We discussed the latest developments in the so-called Night Sickness disease with thirty-two cases in Angola, two in Botswana, and one in Tanzania. Dr. Grauchi insists the virus was not created in a lab, so let's get that speculation on its own train car out of of this room and out of town, don't want to hear it. Jug?
Reporter: Jennifer, Jug Robertson, Southwest Cliff Dwellings Magazine. According to Sweden's president, Sven Overmind, the virus did not leap as suspected to Swedish White scientists bravely risking their own health in studying this fascinating new disease. Gil Bates warned of the quote next pandemic end quote. Is this new disease going to kill all of us? Or does it target the Black population exclusively?
Psyop: That would be something. Information on that isn't available, more research needs to be conducted by qualified professionals. You can feel at ease we're developing strategies for coping with this menace. Rome wasn't built in a day, though. It took longer to make High Noon than the time in which the story takes place. Jackalope?
Reporter: Myths and Legends of the Great Plains Quarterly, Jackalope Sibbery, Ph.D. My question deals with Ukraine. Will the president parachute into Kyiv? I'm sure George W. Bush would do so as president. Would George W. Bush be doing a better job as president than Mr. Lieden? Would Chick Raney be a much better Veep than Veep Parris, who by all reports, in four words, sucks at her job? Why does World War Two come to mind? SS Galicia, Ukrainian Waffen SS, able and willing to sweep Jews off the planet, now we have a parcel of Nazis in Ukraine and we're on their side! Would FDR stomach that?
Psyop: I allowed you to keep talking to give you a chance to trip yourself. Everything is recorded. I'll answer your questions backwards. FDR is an idol of President Lieden's. You've seen the portrait of the great president in the Oval Office. World War Two was a battle of good and evil. This Russian invasion, illegal and immoral, unconscionable and against the rule of law, is their Iraq, their Afghanistan in 1979. We've lured them in, now we bite. Vice President Parris does a great job for us, there is no dissatisfaction expressed, to my knowledge, in the behind the scenes world of the White House. And Vice President Raney would make a fine Vice President, but I don't think he's interested in the job. As for Mr. Arbusto, President Lieden has the utmost respect for the victor of the Iraq War. They golf whenever Mr. and Mrs. Arbusto are in Washington. She and Dr. Lieden attended a presentation of excerpts from Amistad: The Musical, put on by the Orphaned Rich Children of America's Foreign Conflicts. No, I don't think President Arbusto would be topping President Lieden in the competency department because President Arbusto focuses now on griping about President Richman and painting portraits of wounded soldiers from his wars. I hear he has a dead bombed children series coming out in September. President Lieden will not parachute into Kyiv, that's a rumor peddled by a garbage grocery store checkout rag--
Reporter: Owned by President Richman's son, Squeege.
Psyop: Squeege Richman, yes, the Black Sheep. Chief Propagandist of the Richman Organization. Also runs their food operations. He's good friends with Dracula Deadface. Jet?
Reporter: Jet Streaker, News 'n' Puns, the Kid's Magazine. A question from a reader: Troy, nine years old. Quote, When are we going to see what's really going on on Mars?
Psyop: Conspiracy theorists start young. Troy, that's a good question. You get credit for thinking up a good one. You're a smart young man. Mars is far away. The project of human colonization proceeds swiftly. Terraforming 98% complete, much faster than estimated from countless modeling tests. Do you know what a modeling test is? I guess Troy's not here. The question exists on paper, though, and I just answered it. No more questions from children. Jill?
Reporter: Squeege and Don Richman both predict President Lieden will not make it to his second term. Is the president concerned about such talk coming from two men so popular in America, though hated, too?
Psyop: My kid sister Marianne went to college with Squeege. He's more talk than action.
Reporter: A three part story in my publication Sit Down For This! told of how Squeege Richman dated Marianne Harp, your sister. He broke up with her after three weeks. They seemed to be having a good time, and then Squeege Richman shoved her away, shouted accusatory statements at her, and stomped off. The next day he was screwing hookers in Manhattan.
Psyop: You read the grocery store checkout literature? Changing the subject. Jif?
Reporter: It's a sticky situation when a family member is involved, right Jennifer?
Psyop: Do you have a real question, Jif, or should I turn to Skippy?
Reporter: Skippy has Covid.
Psyop: We're doing everything we can to fight this virus. Dr. Grauchi is on top of things as usual. Good leadership warms the heart because it reassures one that benign leaders are guiding the wild horse through its paces. There's gas in the tank. America is strong. America is built Ford tough. Nothing says it better than Chevy. Jots?
Reporter: A sickly sweet odor pervades this latest pandemic in seed form, contained, we hope, in Africa, the disposable continent, but don't forget to extract the minerals and the oil. Industrial scale grinding up of the planet.
Psyop: What's your question?
Reporter: Do you wake up every morning thinking This is going to be a good day?
Psyop: Every day? No. I love my job, I'm grateful for the opportunity to serve my country. I thank President and Dr. Lieden for all they've done for me, rewarding my servility to the Bongo and Blade administrations. I'm an experienced fabulist by now. Jizz?
Reporter: Jizz Gallagher, Quantum City Times. How would you rate the president's job performance on a scale of one to ten, one being the best, ten being the worst.
Psyop: You've got that backwards, but okay. President Lieden I'd rank at a strong three.
Reporter: And your job performance.
Psyop: Rate myself? What do you all think?
All: You're number one with us Jennifer!
Psyop: Right now I'll say a 4. Jade?
Reporter: Jade Frominger, High As a Kite Digest. President Lieden seems like one of our more square presidents. When will he legalize marijuana?
Psyop: That's not on our agenda now.
Reporter: People want to smoke their pot without worrying about the law interfering in their business!
Psyop: Mind your own business, is that what you're telling the government, the bureaucrats of the Drug War? You're telling my president he must legalize a controversial weed with psychotropic properties, said to be addicting in young-uns? You speak destruction out of your mouth! Jipe?
Reporter: Jipe Gazetrace, Hook Me Up Magazine. Will President Lieden approve the sale to nine countries of some of our most sophisticated weapons systems?
Psyop: There's no question it's the best thing to do. Ukrainians defend freedom, they fight an evil menace. Invading a sovereign nation is wrong. That's all for now, I need to lie down.
To be continued
Vic Neptune
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